what an incredibly challenging year. what can I say... it was hard and it took a toll on me. I'm in the means of peacing back together my life. Who I want in it, what I want to do. it is confusing. Trying to keep my eye on the goal... but it's hard when there isn't enough encouragement. I get excited and then let down I guess. Not making as much out of me as I wish I were.
Although... I do feel remotely accomplished.
I guess I just want more... more work predominately.
...and I just want to feel like I'm really good at something.
REALLY good.

School... thats another subject. I kind of burned myself out on the whole idea of it. I'm not sure if I really want to go back--- but then what? I think I might just take it easy for a semester or something. I donno. I need something that gives me some worth. Something worth celebrating. I really wish God would bless me with someone unbelievably amazing so i can rejoice in it. I really feel like I've done the work to achieve now. I feel like I've sewn and haven't had the opportunity to truly reap the benifits. It's not fair. People around me are doing so well it seems... Booking things, winning things... and I sit feeling unaccomplished. Thats not fair. How do I get my spirts back up? I really haven't been feeling mentally all that well...
insults after insults finally took the toll. Its a day to day thing tho. some days I feel great--- others its all just weighs on my shoulders.

Then my brother. He really hurt my feelings. I guess he's just oging though alot---about to be a dad. And I have no one to talk to about how that makes ME feel. Ya know, I have feelings too.
Then... this part I really felt right for. I really felt like I could win... and that was a let down. In all honesty I just wish they would offer it to me. I wish it would fall through with the other girl and I would win by a hair. I really just wish that I could acchieve that. Its my part. I COULD DO GREAT. I could.

In one aspect I have the most belief in myself that I ever did. its the first time I could walk in a room and honestly feel no one is better than me. I think that now.

in another aspect things have been looking down. I hardly have any friends--- no one worth keeping around perhaps. Or maybe I've just been feeling anti social. I donno.
Things are strange. Its a strange time.

I've put a lot of energy out there and I'd just like to get some sort of positive something back. I think I can honestly look up to heaven and say "Hey God, I've put in my time. I've worked the hardest, prayed the most. Hoped, got excited, failed, tried, encouraged others, done MY BEST.... and you know what I may not be great at eveything I do. I may make mistakes. I might not know the most powerful prayer. But I'm your child. I believe in you. I love you. And you can do all things--- why not help me out. Throw me a bone. I ask and pray and worship. I'll thank you."
.... I just want something good/exciting/rewarding to come my way...

please.

I came to write but after reading I have nothing to say.

but..
I'm frustrated. they want me to cut my hair and they wont drop it. and I don't want to. I'd consider it maybe if I had nothing else going on. But the thing is this isn't "what I do." this is "what I do for fun." and it's becoming not fun anymore. grr.
I wanna win. but it's frustrating. and things are crappy. and shit stinks. and...

I donno.
the end.

I am currently, sitting, procrastinating. In my thoughts. I want to sleep, or listen to music, relax and think--- But I should be writing a paper...figured I may as well wright, right? People fasinate me. life fasicnates me actually. Man... I'm so in the mood to sit in the dark and talk, like old times, untill we force eachother to go to sleep. I feel poetic--- but I've never seemed to capture a poem while typing. It's one of those-- pen in hand type things. So instead of that I'll ramble. ramble about:
Relationships. All my close female friends have boyfriends. I guess it's the cool thing to do. But I'm... yeah. no. singles probably a good thing for me right now. Even though I really like this guy. Alot. and I would love to be with him... I really would. But he's my friend and he's all wrong for me. I need to stay focused.